Q: Is there a difference between cut and uncut men?

Q: Hi! I have a question. I've only ever been with men who are circumsized. I've dated a few who weren't but we never got as far as sex because there is something about an uncircumcized penis that turns me off. I've recently heard from a couple of my girlfriends that they prefer their parners to be 'intact'. What gives? Is there really a difference between cut and uncut men?

A: Yes there is a difference. The obvious difference is that a man who is intact has extra skin that covers his penis, whereas a cut man's penis is exposed. You may find this difference unaesthetic. A lot of North American women who are not used to intact males do. But beyond aesthetics there are personal experiences and scientific data. I will go over both.

My own personal experience is that circumcized men have less sensitivity and tend to need more stimulation / time in order to achieve orgasm. There are benefits and drawbacks to this, from a woman's perspective. A man needing longer to achieve orgasm means a woman has a better chance of getting hers, too. But the decreased sensitivity is problematic, because as the levels of desensitization increase, a man may need something other than penile stimulation to orgasm. He may need to visualize something in his mind, see something erotic to him, or have anal stimulation, or pain to push him over the edge. With intact men, the area of the penis that is protected by the foreskin is extremely sensitive -- like lips, or like a clitoris -- while the foreskin itself is sensitive on the inside and less so on the outside. I find that the levels of sensitivity of the glans and the ridge of the glans makes oral sex with an uncut man a lot more fun, as they are far more responsive. Lastly, I know men who were circumcized and went through the long and painful process of regrowing their foreskins, and they report that sex is much more pleasurable now that the head of the penis is not constantly exposed and chafed by clothing. I also know men who were circumcized as teens/adults. Most of them report that masturbation and sex are a lot less satisfying, and in many cases, frustrating, because they have difficulties achieving orgasm.

As for the scientific data: The intact human foreskin is richly innervated (has a lot of nerve-endings, like lips) and contains holocrine glands (exocrine glands that produce protective lubricants). The human foreskin represents more than one third of the intact penis's skin. Just as removing innervated skin or body parts has been found to affect the sensory pathways of the brain, scientists are researching the implication that removal of the foreskin affects sexual sensations and pathways, resulting in lowered excitability and a higher threshold for sexual arousal. A result of circumcision is the keratinization and desensitization of the surface epithelium of the glans penis. When the moistening, protective covering of the glans penis is removed, the skin on the surface of the glans penis dries out and becomes toughened and callused. Lastly, Dr. George Denniston (Clinical Asst Professor in Family Medicine, and Board Certified in Preventive Medicine) states that there is a correlation between the high incidence of impotence and circumcision in America. He also debunks the myth that circumcision is necessary for purposes of hygiene. Infections of the foreskin are rare, and there is statistically significant evidence that circumsized contract and spread STD's more readily than intact men do.

Circumcision is a hot-button topic in the medical community in the US. There is a lot of vehement defence of circumcision, though, probably because of the known emotional impact of circumcision and bias among researchers. Since I was once a bio-researcher, I can say that it is not uncommon to design a study or experiment that proves the result one wishes to arrive at. Pharmaceutical companies do it all the time ;)

In sum: Yes, there is a difference. Emotional impacts aside, a circumsized penis is less sensitive after years of exposure to air and clothing, and circumcision is a likely culprit in both the impotency and HIV epidemics in the US. For more information, find your nearest search engine and input your question.

Q: Is it wrong to want a mistress?

Ask Silken the Sapiosexual a question, and you will always get an interesting answer.

Q: Lately I've been struggling with monogomy. My partner is a good man and a considerate lover, but sometimes I want to be with a woman, to enjoy a relationship with a woman. Is it wrong to want a mistress?

A: "Is it wrong to want a mistress?" -- Not at all. One of the fallacies we are socialized to accept as truth is that one person can be all things to another. We find people attractive before we enter a committed relationship, and we will find people attractive afterwards. It is unlikely that a single parnter can meet all of one's sexual desires all the time. But more than that, it is about energy. Dyad relationships are often closed systems. The couple gets wrapped up in each other during the NRE (new relationship energy) phase, usually to the exclusion of other people. Which can temporarily heighten that NRE high, but inevitably leads to an energy crash as the novelty wears off and there are no external sources of energy/stimulus to recharge. This is why serial monogamy occurs. It is a cycle of NRE high, crash, recharge, repeat. Which is a shame, because, usually, what we love about people doesn't change, even if the qualities of the relationships do. Why should a relationship that works in 90% of the areas of your life end? Negotiate sexual variety with your partner. If you are both aware of what is going on, its not cheating. And when both partners are part of the process, the extra-marital sex tends to be less risky, both with regards to STDs and emotional health.

Q: Can you recommend a position for hard and fast sex?

Q: I am looking for a solution to a problem regarding sexual intercourse. My husband and I have been married for four years. We have a good sex life, but he recently told me that there is something missing--the freedom to enjoy hard fast sex. Due to my small size and a tilted uterus, my cervix is lower than it is in most women and when we have hard and fast sex and he hits my cervix, it hurts like hell, so he has to hold back. We've tried varying my height, tried doggie style, tried all sorts of positions but it still hurts. Can you recommend one?

A: I have the same problem as you. Hard and fast vaginal sex hurts, can even make me bleed. Darn that cervix anyway! Through experimentation and exploration, I found a way to enjoy hard and fast sex -- anally. It requires care and consideration and preparation, but on your knees, with a vibrator between your thighs and generous lubrication (I prefer cocoa butter creme for anal) it is possible not only to enjoy anal sex, and to enjoy hard and fast anal sex, but to have simultaneous clitoral and anal orgasms, which, believe me, are deliriously intense.

Q: Can people really have open relationships?

Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years. We love each other very much and don't want to break up, but we're finding ourselves tempted by other people. We know some couples that have tried open relationships, but they seem to have a lot of drama associated with them. Can people ever really have open relationships?

A: This question has a complex answer, and in order to answer, I need to debunk another truism. Most people think of relationships as 'things', as fixed things that exist independent of reality and the conditions of reality. But relationships are not static objects. They are in constant flux, just like the people who are in them.

That said, the answer to the question "Can people ever really have open relationships?" is yes, moment-to-moment. As well as an understanding that relationships are fluid, communication is essential. One must understand that permission granted once is not a blanket approval for eternity. Things happen, emotions are felt, and people have a tendancy to react poorly when communication is absent or insufficient. Partners in an open relationship should be prepared to really listen to their partners, to hear them when they say "I'm afraid", and to assure them, as needed. Being open and honest about thoughts and feelings, particularly with regards to sexual topics, is strangely difficult for people. I suggest that couples interested in exploring an open relationship work on their communication, look for polyamory meetup or support groups, and have frank discussions about their sexuality, their needs, and why they think opening their relationship up to other people / partners will work for them.