Q: Why can't I come?

One of my listeners contacted me recently:

I must admit that I'm envious of you, Silken. You express yourself so eloquently and you describe experiences that are beyond my wildest imaginings. Tame as it may be, my greatest fantasy these days is to achieve orgasm during intercourse. Why can't I come? Do you have any advice for me?

A: I do. And the advice that follows is good for women and their lovers to hear:
For men, orgasm is required for procreation, and so you've evolved to go from limp to ejaculation in 3 minutes. For women all that is necessary is to have an egg in the chute. So if orgasm isn't necessary, why is it possible?  Well, part of it is that women have the same or simlar muscles that are involved in male orgasm. But the other part, I think, has to do with keeping men around--so listen up guys. In terms of procreation, if a male has no way of knowing when a female is fertile, then his object is to have intercourse with her as often as possible until she is impregnated -- and what better way to make sure you will be welcomed again and again than to make a woman come?

In my experience, in order for a woman to reach orgasm during intercourse, she must be comfortable with herself and her partner, and highly aroused.

To facilitate your goal of orgasm during intercourse, my first recommendation would be to masturbate frequently--if you can't come solo, it is unlikely that you will be able to come with anyone else. For me, any excuse to masturbate will do, especially when I am feeling frustrated. Most women need a fantasy in their minds, whether it is watching a sexy movie, reading or listening to erotica like mine (shameless plug inserted here) or playing through your own personal sexual fantasy. It is important to begin with this, with getting your mind into the mood, because your body will follow, and your mind and body both have to be aroused in order for orgasm to happen.

If you have difficulty climaxing with masturbation, I would recommend purchasing a Hitachi Magic Wand. It is an amazing vibrator, useful both for sex and for muscle massage. There are different places to press the vibrator--some women put it directly over the clit(with or without padding) while others, like me, press it against the pubic arch between the clit and the vaginal opening, or against the perineum between the vaginal opening and the anus. Experiment. There is no wrong way to do it--however it feels best is what is best for you.

Once you've got masturbating to orgasm down, I recommend that you invite your partner to watch you. He or she can learn a lot from watching where you touch yourself, what tempo you use, and what your body language looks like as your arousal level peaks. From there, the next step would be to let your partner help with your masturbation, whether it is massaging your clit or nipples, or slipping fingers inside you. A woman's capacity for pleasure is immense and women are amazing when they climax -- most partners are only to happy to be a part of the process.

I had difficultly climaxing with partners when I was younger, in fact, for years, the only way I could come during penetrative sex was with a vibrator on my clit and my partner pushed deep inside me with my legs locked around his hips. Once I got coming in that position down, I tried others. Doggie style with a vibrator on my clit was amazing, and in that position, it is possible to do the pre-orgasm muscle-lock without interfering with his pumping action. I also find that sitting astride my partner with the vibrator on my clit is a great way to climax--supposedly the easiest position for most women. In discovering what works for you, you must learn not to be shy about experimenting and asserting what you want, whether it is "Right there. Don't stop", or "Move a little to the left." Also, Don't expect your partner to be a mindreader, especially when you yourself aren't certain about what you want. You might also consider inviting him or her to be a part of the process, lending your their experience and creativity.

I also recommend something many people don't think about: Anal stimulation. There are as many nerve endings around that little spot as there are on your lips. This means that your ass is very sensitive and can be a source of tremendous pleasure. There are little bullet vibes that can be pressed against it -- you don't need penetration to experience incredible sensations. However, I can say that the most consistently amazing orgasms I've had involve anal penetration so I encourage you to go to an online shop like www.BabeLand.com and look at what toys are recommended for anal play.

For most women, vibrators and other toys are an integral part of sexual intercourse, and most partners, male and female alike, understand and accept it. Most people are willing to do whatever it takes to see that our partners get to experience the pinnacle of pleasure.

Ultimately, achieving orgasm, solo or with others, and with or without toys is about you. Being comfortable in your own skin, being comfortable exploring your body, and being comfortable finding erotic material that arouses you. Own your body. Relax into it. Accept the challenge of mastering your own pleasure. Recognize that youy don't have to come to feel very, very good. Build on the erotic energy and you will come.

Q: Is there a difference between cut and uncut men?

Q: Hi! I have a question. I've only ever been with men who are circumsized. I've dated a few who weren't but we never got as far as sex because there is something about an uncircumcized penis that turns me off. I've recently heard from a couple of my girlfriends that they prefer their parners to be 'intact'. What gives? Is there really a difference between cut and uncut men?

A: Yes there is a difference. The obvious difference is that a man who is intact has extra skin that covers his penis, whereas a cut man's penis is exposed. You may find this difference unaesthetic. A lot of North American women who are not used to intact males do. But beyond aesthetics there are personal experiences and scientific data. I will go over both.

My own personal experience is that circumcized men have less sensitivity and tend to need more stimulation / time in order to achieve orgasm. There are benefits and drawbacks to this, from a woman's perspective. A man needing longer to achieve orgasm means a woman has a better chance of getting hers, too. But the decreased sensitivity is problematic, because as the levels of desensitization increase, a man may need something other than penile stimulation to orgasm. He may need to visualize something in his mind, see something erotic to him, or have anal stimulation, or pain to push him over the edge. With intact men, the area of the penis that is protected by the foreskin is extremely sensitive -- like lips, or like a clitoris -- while the foreskin itself is sensitive on the inside and less so on the outside. I find that the levels of sensitivity of the glans and the ridge of the glans makes oral sex with an uncut man a lot more fun, as they are far more responsive. Lastly, I know men who were circumcized and went through the long and painful process of regrowing their foreskins, and they report that sex is much more pleasurable now that the head of the penis is not constantly exposed and chafed by clothing. I also know men who were circumcized as teens/adults. Most of them report that masturbation and sex are a lot less satisfying, and in many cases, frustrating, because they have difficulties achieving orgasm.

As for the scientific data: The intact human foreskin is richly innervated (has a lot of nerve-endings, like lips) and contains holocrine glands (exocrine glands that produce protective lubricants). The human foreskin represents more than one third of the intact penis's skin. Just as removing innervated skin or body parts has been found to affect the sensory pathways of the brain, scientists are researching the implication that removal of the foreskin affects sexual sensations and pathways, resulting in lowered excitability and a higher threshold for sexual arousal. A result of circumcision is the keratinization and desensitization of the surface epithelium of the glans penis. When the moistening, protective covering of the glans penis is removed, the skin on the surface of the glans penis dries out and becomes toughened and callused. Lastly, Dr. George Denniston (Clinical Asst Professor in Family Medicine, and Board Certified in Preventive Medicine) states that there is a correlation between the high incidence of impotence and circumcision in America. He also debunks the myth that circumcision is necessary for purposes of hygiene. Infections of the foreskin are rare, and there is statistically significant evidence that circumsized contract and spread STD's more readily than intact men do.

Circumcision is a hot-button topic in the medical community in the US. There is a lot of vehement defence of circumcision, though, probably because of the known emotional impact of circumcision and bias among researchers. Since I was once a bio-researcher, I can say that it is not uncommon to design a study or experiment that proves the result one wishes to arrive at. Pharmaceutical companies do it all the time ;)

In sum: Yes, there is a difference. Emotional impacts aside, a circumsized penis is less sensitive after years of exposure to air and clothing, and circumcision is a likely culprit in both the impotency and HIV epidemics in the US. For more information, find your nearest search engine and input your question.

Q: Is it wrong to want a mistress?

Ask Silken the Sapiosexual a question, and you will always get an interesting answer.

Q: Lately I've been struggling with monogomy. My partner is a good man and a considerate lover, but sometimes I want to be with a woman, to enjoy a relationship with a woman. Is it wrong to want a mistress?

A: "Is it wrong to want a mistress?" -- Not at all. One of the fallacies we are socialized to accept as truth is that one person can be all things to another. We find people attractive before we enter a committed relationship, and we will find people attractive afterwards. It is unlikely that a single parnter can meet all of one's sexual desires all the time. But more than that, it is about energy. Dyad relationships are often closed systems. The couple gets wrapped up in each other during the NRE (new relationship energy) phase, usually to the exclusion of other people. Which can temporarily heighten that NRE high, but inevitably leads to an energy crash as the novelty wears off and there are no external sources of energy/stimulus to recharge. This is why serial monogamy occurs. It is a cycle of NRE high, crash, recharge, repeat. Which is a shame, because, usually, what we love about people doesn't change, even if the qualities of the relationships do. Why should a relationship that works in 90% of the areas of your life end? Negotiate sexual variety with your partner. If you are both aware of what is going on, its not cheating. And when both partners are part of the process, the extra-marital sex tends to be less risky, both with regards to STDs and emotional health.

Q: Can you recommend a position for hard and fast sex?

Q: I am looking for a solution to a problem regarding sexual intercourse. My husband and I have been married for four years. We have a good sex life, but he recently told me that there is something missing--the freedom to enjoy hard fast sex. Due to my small size and a tilted uterus, my cervix is lower than it is in most women and when we have hard and fast sex and he hits my cervix, it hurts like hell, so he has to hold back. We've tried varying my height, tried doggie style, tried all sorts of positions but it still hurts. Can you recommend one?

A: I have the same problem as you. Hard and fast vaginal sex hurts, can even make me bleed. Darn that cervix anyway! Through experimentation and exploration, I found a way to enjoy hard and fast sex -- anally. It requires care and consideration and preparation, but on your knees, with a vibrator between your thighs and generous lubrication (I prefer cocoa butter creme for anal) it is possible not only to enjoy anal sex, and to enjoy hard and fast anal sex, but to have simultaneous clitoral and anal orgasms, which, believe me, are deliriously intense.

Q: Can people really have open relationships?

Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years. We love each other very much and don't want to break up, but we're finding ourselves tempted by other people. We know some couples that have tried open relationships, but they seem to have a lot of drama associated with them. Can people ever really have open relationships?

A: This question has a complex answer, and in order to answer, I need to debunk another truism. Most people think of relationships as 'things', as fixed things that exist independent of reality and the conditions of reality. But relationships are not static objects. They are in constant flux, just like the people who are in them.

That said, the answer to the question "Can people ever really have open relationships?" is yes, moment-to-moment. As well as an understanding that relationships are fluid, communication is essential. One must understand that permission granted once is not a blanket approval for eternity. Things happen, emotions are felt, and people have a tendancy to react poorly when communication is absent or insufficient. Partners in an open relationship should be prepared to really listen to their partners, to hear them when they say "I'm afraid", and to assure them, as needed. Being open and honest about thoughts and feelings, particularly with regards to sexual topics, is strangely difficult for people. I suggest that couples interested in exploring an open relationship work on their communication, look for polyamory meetup or support groups, and have frank discussions about their sexuality, their needs, and why they think opening their relationship up to other people / partners will work for them.